Thursday, May 3, 2012

Please Let It Be a Girl, Please Let It Be a Girl, Please...Oh, Damn, There's a Penis!

With apologies to my small, devoted readership for being absent so long, the past two days have brought me irresistible material. I'll start today with the more personal story: Sarah and I found out that the child we're expecting in September will be, gulp, a boy.

This, of course, brings all sorts of items to the table for discussion, such as how a guy with a blog entitled "A Dad Again" could delay this long in writing about being A Dad Again...Again. Or what sins I must have committed during my previous lives to deserve this special form of punishment. Or what the point was of spending nearly $50 on a home gender test from Wallgreens if all we were gonna do was pretend it never happened and hope against hope for a girl anyway.

Then there's the little matter of my projected age of 65 when this unborn child graduates high school. It's pretty sobering. I'll be 52 when we walk this kid to his first day of kindergarten. I'll be nearly 70 when/if he graduates college. And it's definitely uncertain whether I'll live long enough to meet any grandchildren that result. Which, of course, could be a seriously lucky break for those potential future Kontzers.

On a more serious note, there's the impact this is having--and will have--on Sarah. She was in tears upon finding out the news today, her visions of dressing up a little girl in cute summer dresses, of taking her shopping for school clothes, of counseling her through her first boyfriend, of picking out a wedding gown together, of having a new best girl friend, all dashed. Once the emotions have settled, she can begin looking forward to a testosterone-filled life filled with sports, B.O., meat products and lots of broken stuff. Followed by a life of constant frustration over how infrequently her boys call her.

But enough about mom--this blog isn't about her. Besides, trying to get to the bottom of what a woman is feeling about the child she's carrying is a task I--or any man, for that matter--am just not up to. What I am up to is offering up a simple, straightforward list of the good and bad I expect from having yet another son. Let's start with the bad:

-My car insurance rates just went up 600 percent in reaction to the news.

-I'm a big brother. I know what big brothers do to little brothers. I also know what Max is capable of. Yikes.

-Q, our family dog, who's been constantly poked and prodded by Max and hated every minute of it (another post that has gone unwritten!), is going to have an absolute nervous breakdown.

-All those hours spent debating girl's names? Total waste!

-Worse, we have to spend those hours once again, this time debating boys' names.

-I'm going to be stepping on a lot more small, plastic, painful toys soon.

-I'm also going to be breaking up a lot of fights over those small, plastic, painful toys.

-Getting out the door with a toddler and in infant while Sarah's at work? Sounds like fun! (This admittedly has nothing to do with the pending arrival being a boy--so what, I make the rules around here.)

-Oh, goodie, we get to be urinated on during diaper changes again!

 Now, on to the good:

-Throwing Max and the new arrival in the same bedroom just got a LOT less complicated.

-Barring unforeseen circumstances, I should never have to pay for any weddings.

-Our future budget for toys just got a lot smaller.

-There'll be another face besides mine for Max to claw and grab. Oh, wait, maybe that shouldn't be on the "good" list.

-I never have to worry about being ganged up on by the women in my house.

-The Kontzer Men's Club membership will reach 6, triggering our "free bowl of matzo ball soup" promotion.

-Once Sarah hits menopause (and sorry, Babe, but the clock's tickin'), the menstrual cycle will be a thing of the past! -I won't ever be accused of ogling my daughter's hot teenage friends.

-I won't ever be accused of beating my daughter's teenage boyfriends.

With that, I'll return you to your regularly scheduled programming. Stay tuned for my next post, which will center on a group of "goth" moms I overheard, and then met, at a nearby park yesterday. Have to say, I never thought of putting "goth" and "moms" in the same thought before.